Amara’s World~6

So what are you supposed to do when your house of cards come crashing down? I’ve had shows this past week and even though Shon keeps promising that he’ll show up, he never does. Sometimes I wish that he’d be honest with me and let me know how he really feels about my career and my goals in general, but every time I bring the conversation up, he finds a way to jump to the next subject and we never make it back around to whether or not my dreams are supported.

Earlier I asked him, “Babe, why don’t you ever make it to my shows? You said that you’ve got my back, but I never get a chance to look out and see you there.”

“You know I have stuff come up last minute, I tried, but did you know that we only have a couple of weeks to pack before we have to get down there and start the press promo?”

” I understand babe, but we can get to that, why is it that…..”

“Babe we don’t have that much time, that’s two homes to consolidate and aren’t we selling our places here?”

” I didn’t plan on selling my place, I still have family here and I wanted to have a safe haven when things got too heated when I come home to visit.”

“So wait, if you’re keeping you place here then why can’t I just move the stuff that I don’t want to take with me at your spot?”

“Because there’s not enough room and you can just as easily put your stuff in storage.”

“That’s what I’m talking about babe, why is it that you feel like what’s yours is yours, aren’t we supposed to be taking this thing to the next level?”

Success! Once again he has found a way out of answering what I asked and turned me into the one that’s wrong. I know what it is when he starts, but somehow I find myself getting sucked right back into it. It’s sad that I let him manipulate my emotions, but I hate being wrong. So he takes that one fact and drags out an argument. There has to be something beyond the fact that he’d rather not express his feelings, because I am finding it hard to believe that a simple discomfort int he subject matter is enough for him to engage in the blame game.

I’m not your average female, so I’m not going to root through his things. I know that he’s smart, and he’d expect me to do just that. I’ll be even more clever, I’ll just pay attention to every single detail. Men have a way of giving themselves up without even noticing. I’ll start with something simple like mentioning the people that I work with, to see his reaction and body language. He makes faces that correspond to his thoughts so this evening around dinner, when he’s not even thinking about this argument, I’ll just toss out some names and see what I get.

The frustrating part is that I feel like it shouldn’t have to be this way. I’d like to be able to ask him what he thinks and he return with a succinct answer and we continue with our day, painlessly, but I have this sense that something in him enjoys the drama. From what he tells me about his childhood, he’s acting just like his dad. The thing that makes no sense is how much he claims to dislike his father’s ways. Sometimes I wish that I had a mirror on hand when he gets into these moods and just hold it up in the middle of his rants about nothing so he could see what he’s become. But, I could imagine how that would make me feel in those times that I take on my mother’s personality so I choose not to.

He’s right about one thing, we don’t have much time, because we’ve got to find a way to get past this issue before the move, or else there’s no point in even beginning that chapter.

Amara’s World~5

He walked right in my house after being out all night, yet again, and kissed me just as hard as he could. Sounds so romantic now that I write it, yet his breath smelled as if he’d kept his mouth shut for the past hour and a half. I felt so violated and offended I didn’t know what to do. We’re at a critical point in our relationship and to abruptly push him away and have a moment of telling him how horrid his mouth smells and tastes…I believe I’d rather just deal with it. That should fall into the category of sacrifice. That cute little word that people like to throw around when they talk about relationships that turns out to not be as passionate and over the top as it sounds. I felt like I’d been raped in the mouth.

So when he got done kissing me, he then proceeds to tell me about his night drinking with some execs from some product line and how even though he was supposed to be selling himself as a potential spokesman he couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

“They were really excited about this endorsement babe, all I had to do was show up and they were throwing everything they could think of to me and my agent and by the end of the night I’m the new face of SO SO FRESH Body wash. They’re shooting a commercial in Florida this weekend and they want us to come down and stay for a week in one of the company mansions in Miami.”

My stomach is turning, but I muster up the strength to get overly excited and jump into his arms. Then terror rushes over me as I realize I’ve just made myself a candidate for his stinking mouth to be planted on me again, so I hurry up and come up with something to say about what’s happening in my life so I get him off my trail.

“That’s so great baby, guess what! I’m doing my last tour and opening up a wig shop when we get to New Orleans, Josh worked out the business plan and I can have my Grand Opening ready to go right before your first game, isn’t that great?”

He looks at me, and after all of the support and love I showed him for his success, this hot garbage mouth, half-way musty, lumberjack sized man tells me.

“Before my first game? Why do you always have to find a way to shine?”

I got so mad so fast that I didn’t have time to get my words in order and I replied quickly and abruptly.

“I can’t help but shine, Boo, I’m a Star” and proceeded to snap my fingers and give some neck action.

What looked like the beginning of the longest conversation int he history of something to say, became the most hilarious moment. He looked at me in the middle of my “Bon-Quesha” moment and fell on the floor laughing. I couldn’t hold in my laughter either. I was upset but I had gone all the way back to middle school with my attitude.

My brain started clicking fast and I saw my opening.”I’m sorry Shon your breath is crazy hot right now babe I just can’t”

His face dropped and he walked silently into the bathroom

“Cold blooded babe, that’s just harsh”

I thought about how opportune this moment for a comeback, but I let him go. As long as he handled that monster that made a lair in his teeth & tongue all is well in Amara’s World. I am excited about the trip however, so I hope he doesn’t stay upset.

Amara’s World~4

Everything that a woman could ever ask for in a man. Caring, considerate, self-made and fine. Yet there’s always something missing. I don’t want to sound like one of those women that has no idea what she wants in a relationship, or even what she wants in life, but I just can’t get settled.

Shon came into my life at an odd point. I had just ended a toxic relationship with a man that didn’t appreciate me for who I am. I’d built an empire by the age of 21 and the only thing missing in my Queendom was a suitable King. My heart wasn’t in a position to deal with any more pain and what I craved the most was to be pampered and adored. Shon gave me the world in the first month of our relationship. I took a month off from work and just followed him to all his games and met his Celebrity friends. We could sit and talk for hours, until one of us fell asleep. I always felt protected when we were together. But something happened.

Much of what he promised he produced, but we had a goal, a date that we would consolidate houses and build a life together, and we missed it because of his schedule. Now, I’m not suggesting that his job was a horrible reason for us to miss the date. However, it was as if he completely changed his mind. The delay felt more like a breakup altogether. I went from being his number one priority to a secondary option and that’s what started the dreams.

I’d like to be able to get excited about his move to New Orleans, I love that place, but i wonder if it will present yet another reason for things to be put on hold and have myself hyped up for the big let down.

The dynamics of our relationship outside of the public appearances and fame charged social events went from on fire passionately in love, to the typical power couple that has no real emotional connection but more of a business arrangement. At least that’s how it all feels when I sit and think about it on my own.

The issue is not feeling like he lied or cheated, but I feel as though I’m being made to get used to being put on the back burner. That’s totally unacceptable. I work so hard so that I maintain a life and livelihood with or without him. So in doing all of this, how can I learn to trust him to take the lead?

Amara’s World~3

“The amazing, electrifying, and stunning..”

“What do you want Josh?”

That’s our daily exchange. Josh is a sweetheart but he has no concept of personal time. I appreciate the fact that he listened to me when I hired him to be my manager. I told him specifically that his one and only objective in that position is to make me rich so that in turn I can make him rich. He’s been a beast ever since.

When I’m at work he’s at work, and when I’m sleep he’s at work. This man is responsible for building my fan base. It’s funny how people can fall in love with a personality without ever really seeing their face.

So today’s conversation with Josh is different, because now I need to start figuring out how to transition from performing to this new housewife roll in New Orleans. He suggests that I take my money and invest in my own business once I get there. I know that essentially I’ve been running my own business but everything that I had to do was on my own terms. His thoughts are on retail, and I’m not exactly a retail hours kind of girl.

“I want to be able to chill when I want to Josh, I need to be a silent partner in something that’s booming.”

“Lazy heffa” he gets that one in under his breath. I totally heard him

My life as I know it is slowly but surely changing. Shon wants to move before my tour is over and get the house. Can I trust him with that? And even better, what am I going to do with my condo. I tell Josh to get to work on finding a property manager and from here I just cross my fingers.

I’ve got a lot of costumes to get rid of, so maybe I can start selling those online. I’m not feeling like myself, I may need to take a break. I’m closing my diary for a little while, you can just watch it play out from here.

Amara’s World~2

I love him. I honestly do, but I just can’t seem to shake these dreams. Every night I go to bed with pleasant thoughts and somewhere around 4 in the morning, the same dreams starts where it left off.

Tonight’s dream: We’re leaving a movie premiere for something one of his friends produced and he stops for autographs and a few people shout me out and just before we get into the car he lets go of my hand…abruptly as though he’s trying to do it so fast it looks like we were never touching. I look out into the crowd and there’s this woman. She’s my height shapely like me, but she’s holding a folder looking like she’s threatening him with it. I turn to ask him what’s it all about and he’s gone. Then I realize she’s looking at me and getting closer without really moving. Suddenly I can see her anymore and I’m turned around facing where I was standing as though I’m now her. I can see Shon now and I call his name, he grabs the folder, now in my hands, signs it “Stay Beautiful” and then gets into OUR car and drives off.

I don’t like to make it seem as though I believe that I’m psychic or anything like that but I am a strong believer in gut feelings and premonitions. I woke up from the dream just in time for his call. We’re engaged but I refuse to live with him until we are official. No need in loosing everything I worked for just in case my dreams come true. But what does this mean?

“Morning Beautiful”

“Hey Boo, what’s up with you calling in the wee hours of the night, everything OK?”

“Yeah I’m just leaving this party and I wanted to come crash, your place is closer, come open the door”

Of course he doesn’t have a key! I like to share but I didn’t see him dancing into the night for this 3 bedroom luxury condo.

I get up and let him in and he smells like the club.

“Hit the showers!”

“Okay, Coach” he laughs at the fact that I can smell everything.

The right thing to do is to go on about our day like we normally do but my heart and ultimately my mouth won’t let me.

“So do you plan on leaving? Because if you do we can just skip all this and I can move on to the next”

He looks at me grabs my hand, pulls me close and kisses my forehead.

“You’re killing me with those dreams babe, I’m here”

I get his clothes and put them in the hamper while he gets in the shower. We’ve got to wake up early, like in a few hours. There’s a press conference for his trade at 9am.

Josh will be on my phone soon with this evening’s event details. It would be nice to get a chance to take a break. I know that Shon is able to give me everything that I want but I just don’t want it if I didn’t earn it. One day it’s going to catch up with me though. I see the ball player’s wives and I just don’t know if I’m ready to buy into that life yet. I’ve got to be the ONLY woman in the world that doesn’t want to be kept…

What’s a girl to do?

Amara’s World~1

I woke up this morning with lots to do. I got a call from my manager Josh talking about a show that he has booked next month. I’ve been working non stop for the past two months. One show after another.

The issue that I’m having today is the fact that my fiancé Shon just got picked up by the Saints and we’re going to have to leave Michigan for good. I’ve been able to maintain my career and travel from here because this is home, but New Orleans is like living in a different country. I worked there about a year ago for three weeks right after the market crash, and it was as if it happened to everyone except that city. The economy is driven by the vices of the working professionals, gambling, drinks and girls.

I’ve always had a knack for spotting the next big thing, but this sudden thrust into the spotlight is going to damage my ability to stay under the radar and fade to black. I can usually change my name about every other month, sometimes that’s all it takes to be “the new girl” again. But, now that all of Shon’s dreams are coming true I’m going to have to build an image and stick to it.

One of the personalities that I’ve portrayed and pulled off quite well is Amara. She’s a little dangerous but people seem to like her and most of all, she made the most money.

Amara lives life for the moment, she’s not held down by what society thinks that she should be and nobody is quite sure of her nationality. She’s not white, that’s about all they’ve been able to ascertain. She’s soft spoken, humble yet not quite shy.

I believe that I can build an empire as her, but I only have a month before she becomes a permanent fixture in our lives. So I’ll take this time to work out the kinks in her first impressions and be prepared to take the world by storm.

My best friend Adriana thinks that making the shift back to Amara is sure to cause a rift between us, since she never agreed with my shift from the corporate world into my current field. However, it hasn’t stopped her from taking trips with me in my vacation month all over the world.

I decided to invite you into my diary just in case this whole thing blows up in my face. At least there will be some record that I’ve not completely lost my mind and most of my antics were on purpose…the rest possibly the result of a cocktail fueled rage. In any event, this is my world.

Welcome!

Building a Future

I’ve been back in school and since then I’ve started my online boutique. All of this put my writing on hold and as much as I am excited by all of these new opportunities I wouldn’t feel complete without finishing my books. So, I’ll be writing episodes via this page. My daily thoughts on random things can now be found on twitter @Margaret_Ellen . The first installation of Amara’s World begins Tomorrow.

Staycation Reflection

Doing things on your own makes you appreciate life. Time doesn’t seem to fly by as it usually seems. Just you and your Creator vibing out to the rythm of your own drum.
Today was my first day alone in 7 years. I am so blessed to be able to take some time for myself. As I get back to sleep in preparation for my spa day I appreciate all that matters most. Life is good