Vulnerable….

http://ih1.redbubble.net/image.5903691.1163/papergc,441×415,w,ffffff.2.jpg

I went through a patch in life that many people I encountered imagined that I was extremely confident and on top of my game. I chose the word imagined because it was so far from the truth. I think I’ve spent my whole life trying to win in order to have some type of validation that I’m good enough.

The truth is that I’d walk around all day feeling like the outsider (and I still do at times, but I’m grown now so it doesn’t matter) so I made up this life in my head that I was weird to people because they were regular and I was extraordinary. I know it sounds horrible to read out loud, which is why I’m putting it here. I never felt like beating myself was good enough even though my Dad and Karate instructor would preach the honor of doing your best. I’ve carried this fear of not winning my entire life.

So what does that turn into when you’re an adult?

I put myself into constant imaginary competition mode for years. Everything I do, I identify a clear winner and loser. I never just give the win to myself and stroke my own ego which never gets me to high off my own steam. The things that have suffered as a result are my deepest desires. I attempted to build a business in 2010 ( go read the old posts, you’ll see) and although I didn’t walk away in the hole I felt like a failure. Not many people are able to turn a profit in the beginning but I set the expectations for growth so high that even when I walked out on top it wasn’t good enough. I used to blame my toxic thoughts on survival.

 “I don’t have a brother or sister’s couch to sleep on if I screw up my life chasing fairytales” is something that used to frequently come out of my mouth.

I realize that much of my problem was that people had an idea about who I am based on what they’d see or hear, and being the constant competitor I’d make sure that list was short and vague. I would prefer to never show my weaknesses because in my mind I felt like everyone was out to get me.

What’s changed since then?

I’ve accepted that the thoughts that I had floating in my head of inadequacy, failure, rejection were all planted there by myself. I know the things that I love and that I’m good at. People would never know that I’m an award winning pianist, because in my mind the competition wasn’t strong enough to for that to count. I’ve adjusted my scope on what counts as a win. Moving forward, I’m allowing myself to be more vulnerable, hence all these posts about my life. I also want to enjoy more than I calculate, I believe that will spare me a few premature grey hairs.

The Point.
Life is too long and it’s too short.

 It’s too long to be in a constant battle with an imaginary enemy. Yes we all want to be the best that we can, as we should, but allowing negative self talk to remain unchecked leads to a hard life for no damn reason. 

It’s too short to wait on the perfect situation for a win. There will always be people more popular, smarter, more in tune with the craft of choice, but you can control whether or not you allow someone to out WORK you. As I dive into my dreams I hope that you’ve been reading the posts this past month or so and you’ve been inspired to make your dreams come true.

I always love getting emails from you. You have honestly been the spark that’s kept my flame going. I appreciate you being part of my spiritual family and sharing light. marellewrites@gmail.com

http://www.gofundme.com/RebuildADream

Learn to Enjoy the Journey

http://www.citypoop.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/enjoy-the-journey.jpg

There are so many people that want to skip the middle. They want to become the next Tyler Perry, but they want to skip the dedication that would drive you to sleeping in your car for what you’ve been called to do. They think that their past is enough of a reason for them to be in a season of breakthrough, RIGHT NOW. There is no such thing as one day it all just swept me away. There were points of preparation that people utilized properly that gave way and made room for a win. I remember my karate days, my father would make me get out of the house on a Saturday and ride my bike, or do some cardio to increase my endurance and his lecture would always contain “This is where you win the medal”. I’d like to say that I never forgot that lesson, but if you’ve been reading my blog for a while you can go back to around 2008 and see for yourself. Here’s what I’ve learned on my journey and I think that it may be helpful for someone.

So how do you find yourself in the middle of a downward spiral?

1. You get so enamored  with your self that you forget about being open to opportunities. There are people all over this world that know more than you. Even when you spent a lot of time and money on your education. If the only thing that people can get out of you is a chance to hear your pitch, nobody is interested in seeing you win…. they just stop caring. Listen a bit more than you talk and people will feed you the keys to your success…. if you let them.

2. You ride the high too long. You get a win and you stay happy about that small victory long past the expiration date. Wins sere as excellent platforms for new goals. Absolutely enjoy the moment, but the next moment should be spent determining the next destination on the road and finding out what it will take to get there. There are some people that have the Al Bundy syndrome (90s sitcom reference) and they relive that touchdown over and over rather than hitting the gym and building a career.

3. You give up too soon. Not everything that’s awesome is going to jump off immediately, most things that are awesome start off just a little lame, mostly because it’s not had time to be associated with the people that will love it the most. Don’t be so quick to fold just because you’re not an instant success.

4. Criticism kills you. You either get too defensive or you dismiss everything that isn’t someone falling all over you as people “hating”. Sometimes, there really is something wrong with what you’re doing, and sometimes there are people that can help you find a better way.

Find a balance, and keep your energy positive. This life is hard and scary but if you find a way to push through, you can do anything you come up with. Just stop glossing over the stuff in-between that matters.

Love