Vulnerable….

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I went through a patch in life that many people I encountered imagined that I was extremely confident and on top of my game. I chose the word imagined because it was so far from the truth. I think I’ve spent my whole life trying to win in order to have some type of validation that I’m good enough.

The truth is that I’d walk around all day feeling like the outsider (and I still do at times, but I’m grown now so it doesn’t matter) so I made up this life in my head that I was weird to people because they were regular and I was extraordinary. I know it sounds horrible to read out loud, which is why I’m putting it here. I never felt like beating myself was good enough even though my Dad and Karate instructor would preach the honor of doing your best. I’ve carried this fear of not winning my entire life.

So what does that turn into when you’re an adult?

I put myself into constant imaginary competition mode for years. Everything I do, I identify a clear winner and loser. I never just give the win to myself and stroke my own ego which never gets me to high off my own steam. The things that have suffered as a result are my deepest desires. I attempted to build a business in 2010 ( go read the old posts, you’ll see) and although I didn’t walk away in the hole I felt like a failure. Not many people are able to turn a profit in the beginning but I set the expectations for growth so high that even when I walked out on top it wasn’t good enough. I used to blame my toxic thoughts on survival.

 “I don’t have a brother or sister’s couch to sleep on if I screw up my life chasing fairytales” is something that used to frequently come out of my mouth.

I realize that much of my problem was that people had an idea about who I am based on what they’d see or hear, and being the constant competitor I’d make sure that list was short and vague. I would prefer to never show my weaknesses because in my mind I felt like everyone was out to get me.

What’s changed since then?

I’ve accepted that the thoughts that I had floating in my head of inadequacy, failure, rejection were all planted there by myself. I know the things that I love and that I’m good at. People would never know that I’m an award winning pianist, because in my mind the competition wasn’t strong enough to for that to count. I’ve adjusted my scope on what counts as a win. Moving forward, I’m allowing myself to be more vulnerable, hence all these posts about my life. I also want to enjoy more than I calculate, I believe that will spare me a few premature grey hairs.

The Point.
Life is too long and it’s too short.

 It’s too long to be in a constant battle with an imaginary enemy. Yes we all want to be the best that we can, as we should, but allowing negative self talk to remain unchecked leads to a hard life for no damn reason. 

It’s too short to wait on the perfect situation for a win. There will always be people more popular, smarter, more in tune with the craft of choice, but you can control whether or not you allow someone to out WORK you. As I dive into my dreams I hope that you’ve been reading the posts this past month or so and you’ve been inspired to make your dreams come true.

I always love getting emails from you. You have honestly been the spark that’s kept my flame going. I appreciate you being part of my spiritual family and sharing light. marellewrites@gmail.com

http://www.gofundme.com/RebuildADream

Dream Chasing

This post is prompted by the pride that I have in knowing my little cousin, the one that you all met when I had my jewelry boutique, made her first grown-up move this week. She took the initiative to go and try out for a part with a Tyler Perry Production. I love her so much and I know that she’s destined to be a star, but it made me think about that time in life.

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We’ve talked about decision making already so we don’t have to get into that, but there’s something special I find in people that have the courage to just wake up and chase their dreams. I can honestly say it’s the most appealing characteristic of a person. So what does it take to find the courage to bust a move. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know what gets me going.

1. FEAR- it sounds crazy but I can remember when I first moved to Atlanta and I didn’t know anyone, I had no friends and the cousin that was around my age at that point didn’t count because we had nothing at all in common. There was a spirit of do or die that completely encompassed my entire life. I’d gone from a two parent household, to now an almost adult with one parent present and I absolutely refused to give in to statistics and have a lackluster life. I had a legitimate fear of ending up a failure considering I don’t have any siblings, who’s couch could I possibly crash on upon my downfall? S

2. IT WON’T STOP NAGGING AT YOU- I write, you’ve been around long enough to know that this is something that I enjoy. There’s never been a time in my life that I didn’t have a story to tell or something to express. In my home, or anywhere that I’ve been for longer than 30mins you’ll find a small story written on a random piece of paper and/or notebook. I can sing a bit, dance a bit, style and plan an event, but to my core, I’m a story teller in everything I try to do.

3. POSITIVE PEER PRESSURE- In my little cousin’s place I can honestly say that there aren’t many people that meet her that don’t tell her how much she needs to be in entertainment. I know that she’s had a desire to do something big, but I also know that she never gave herself a limitation of saying exactly what she wants to be. Having people speak into existence your destiny towards a positive outcome I think is God’s way of answering those prayers that we send him silently each day we feel that pull towards something greater.

If you’re reading this and there’s a small still voice, or a loud crazy fool inside of you that’s ready to get things going, I say write it down, make it plain and follow that voice. S/he is rarely wrong when it comes to what you’re going to do with the rest of your life.

All Good Things!
LOVE

Decisions, Decisions

We can all look back on our lives and point out the major life changing decisions along the way. Today marks 11 years since my first day of Navy Recruit Training, and that’s not even the first major decision that I can say completely changed my life. One thing I think I’d love to have known in the midst of the decision making process was how to measure the magnitude of the possible outcomes. So I decided to compile a list, since those seem to be a favorite around here.

To bust the move, or not bust the move….that is the question.
Top 5 let’s go!

1. How will this change my life for the better?- if that list is completely material, you may want to think a bit longer on the matter. If you grow in some other area other than finances, the long term value may be a bit higher than it seems on the surface. There are times that the best move to make is not the most immediately lucrative choice. Chasing a dollar is the fastest way to end up in a hole. Chase improvement, and the money will follow.

2. How will this affect my current relationships? Sometimes the answer means leaving some people behind. It’s going to hurt, but in the long run, you have to be accountable for your answers to the knocks of Opportunity. If you stay to preserve a relationship, can you do so without building and later harboring a resentment? People matter so be conscious of what that will do to the people that you love, but don’t put your self in a position that will alienate your support system. Hold the conversation, find out the motivation behind any apprehensions, or affirm the fact that they have your back. Talk it out, objectively, don’t let anyone sway you on pure emotion, get the facts.

3.What do I stand to lose? As stated before, people matter, but so does current progress. I can remember deciding to leave Ohio and move to Georgia with my mother. I’d gained some positions in school, I was President of my Archonette chapter and my future was bright. However, I knew that I needed to be with my mother as I entered into womanhood, and not having her in that crucial time stood to do more damage than staying in my positions could provide benefit. Think it through, and be mindful of your mental health along with professional growth. Be honest with yourself.

4. Is there something even better than this option? Just because you are presented with an option that doesn’t make it the only thing you are eligible for. I’m thinking school selections/ job selection on this one. If you’ve spent time perfecting your craft or talent, find out how high you can go to get to exactly where you’d like to be. If you know that you’d like to sing and dance, and a performing arts school in your small town wants you to come work with them, how do you know that Julliard isn’t an option? Fight for your dreams and go for the best of the best.

5. If this is the only opportunity for this decision in life, would you hate yourself for denying it? – five is always self explanatory.

Thanks for reading. Pass this along and email me at marellewrites@gmail.com I love talking with you guys, you keep me writing!!

LOVE

Learn to Enjoy the Journey

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There are so many people that want to skip the middle. They want to become the next Tyler Perry, but they want to skip the dedication that would drive you to sleeping in your car for what you’ve been called to do. They think that their past is enough of a reason for them to be in a season of breakthrough, RIGHT NOW. There is no such thing as one day it all just swept me away. There were points of preparation that people utilized properly that gave way and made room for a win. I remember my karate days, my father would make me get out of the house on a Saturday and ride my bike, or do some cardio to increase my endurance and his lecture would always contain “This is where you win the medal”. I’d like to say that I never forgot that lesson, but if you’ve been reading my blog for a while you can go back to around 2008 and see for yourself. Here’s what I’ve learned on my journey and I think that it may be helpful for someone.

So how do you find yourself in the middle of a downward spiral?

1. You get so enamored  with your self that you forget about being open to opportunities. There are people all over this world that know more than you. Even when you spent a lot of time and money on your education. If the only thing that people can get out of you is a chance to hear your pitch, nobody is interested in seeing you win…. they just stop caring. Listen a bit more than you talk and people will feed you the keys to your success…. if you let them.

2. You ride the high too long. You get a win and you stay happy about that small victory long past the expiration date. Wins sere as excellent platforms for new goals. Absolutely enjoy the moment, but the next moment should be spent determining the next destination on the road and finding out what it will take to get there. There are some people that have the Al Bundy syndrome (90s sitcom reference) and they relive that touchdown over and over rather than hitting the gym and building a career.

3. You give up too soon. Not everything that’s awesome is going to jump off immediately, most things that are awesome start off just a little lame, mostly because it’s not had time to be associated with the people that will love it the most. Don’t be so quick to fold just because you’re not an instant success.

4. Criticism kills you. You either get too defensive or you dismiss everything that isn’t someone falling all over you as people “hating”. Sometimes, there really is something wrong with what you’re doing, and sometimes there are people that can help you find a better way.

Find a balance, and keep your energy positive. This life is hard and scary but if you find a way to push through, you can do anything you come up with. Just stop glossing over the stuff in-between that matters.

Love