Trust Issues

I have an intense and sometimes overwhelming distrust of the human race as a whole. Categorically I am prepared to be fucked over at any turn by any individual, including and especially someone close. I don’t know exactly when I got this way, I do acknowledge that it has been a gradual descent into the abyss. I can remember as a child the day that I stopped getting excited about being able to go home. I spent a lot of time at other people’s homes because both of my parents worked. The thought of it being time to go home was something that I found myself not even desiring anymore.

Later in life I started moving a lot. Not just as a result of my parent’s choices but on my own because the thought of being in just one place for an extended period of time was quite unnerving. I could say it’s because I never let go of that anxiety, but I honestly believe that I never wanted to feel at home, that way nobody could ever take that away from me.

I went through a period of time that I just absolutely refused to commit to any relationship. I wanted to be able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and not have to answer to anyone. Over time I’ve come to find that I just didn’t want to not be wanted. (Who needed a thesaurus in that paragraph?)

Time has come that I find myself hating chit-chat. In those times of open conversation weaknesses are revealed and people that have the agenda of using your words against you thrive in that moment. After just a few too many people running back repeating the things I’d told them, I started starving those types of that opportunity ever.

Then people stopped really knowing who I am as a person. So now who I’ve become is a carefully calculated and well executed representation of things that can’t possibly hurt me. And as safe as it is, there’s nothing here. I’ve even gone as far as rejecting the desires of my heart in an effort to avoid the pain.

Well, why?

I am now, and have quite possibly always been terrified of my reality. I almost always feel alone, but I never want anyone to ever know that. There are things that I want in life that I feel like if I say it out loud, there will be someone in the wings just waiting to be sure that I never have it. (Crazy right?) But that’s what it feels like to always be on the ready for a fight.

I can remember my grandmother talking to me when my mother and I moved to Georgia, she told me I was a Survivor (Long before the DC song) and that I’d always find a way to be ok. However, at this point in life I’ve done so much better than just surviving, and it’s so hard to believe that it makes it hard to just LIVE. I don’t know who you are out there that needed me to share this with you but, you don’t have to stay on your toes your whole life. There are things out in the world that are fun and exciting. Not everyone is trying to hurt you. Don’t turn yourself into the type of person that’s terrified of dealing with people. Nobody says when I grow up I want to be the Cat Lady….

I’ve been fortunate to not have a hard time finding a partner to hide from the world with, but in this next chapter of life I’d like to break away from my habits of isolation, and take the risks necessary to enjoy life.

-Love.

Girl He Ain’t Slick (Letter 00001)

http://www.vibe.com/article/boondocks-10-best-celeb-cameos-pg-4

For those of you that are not followers of my FB page or Twitter feed, this is part of a new category I’m calling “Girl He Ain’t Slick”. I know my YouTube viewers are confused as I’ve declared that I wouldn’t provide advice about love. However, I’ve been doing it for my friends for a while now. This letter is from an anonymous reader from either FB or Twitter. Enjoy!

First off let me say I have never really been in a real realtionship.  Relation-shits yes!  This guy and I have been talking on and off for about 8 months and he has decided that he wants to be in a real relationship.  I told him I would think about it.  I hate to fail at anything and I also dont want to be hurt.  In the beginning it started out great, then he showed his true colors.  I backed away because in my head I will stay single before I put up with a man’s bullshit.  Im not ugly and my self esteem is definitely where it needs to be, so no need to operate on stupidity.  Now he is back and wants to start over again.  My head says NO, but my heart says give it a chance.  I dont know what to do I like being independent and having my me time on the regular.  How do I let him in? I hate the word compromise but will I have too? How can I get over being nervous? My most important question is hos go make a relationship work without losing your own individuality?

 Thanks, 

Single vs. Booed Up

 Dear Single vs. Booed Up,

To be able to give you a full answer I’d like to know what you mean by showing his “true colors” because if he in any way put his hands on you we can cut the response short to “Leave his ass!” I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like you would like to believe that being single forever is ok and that you’re not bothered by it. I can tell you now I don’t believe that for a second. The conflict between the head and the heart is normal especially for a guarded person. If you plan on getting along with any other human being it’s going to require some level of compromise so just get over that now. Everyone is nervous when it comes to matters of the heart because nobody wants to get hurt. If the only way that the relationship works is with losing all that you are that’s an indication of one of two things, he doesn’t actually like you, or you’ve got some major things wrong with how you operate in a relationship. I’d like to refer you back to a previous post “The privilege of friendship” not being selfish is part of the point of being in a relationship so consider if the change you feel coming is consideration or abandoning your character completely. Once you sift that out you’ll be able to stand firm on your decision. Best of luck to you, I’d be interested in finding out what he did. I also want you to know I’m borrowing “Relation-shits” that’s nice 🙂

-M.E.

Send your anonymous issues to marellewrites@gmail.com