So what are you supposed to do when your house of cards come crashing down? I’ve had shows this past week and even though Shon keeps promising that he’ll show up, he never does. Sometimes I wish that he’d be honest with me and let me know how he really feels about my career and my goals in general, but every time I bring the conversation up, he finds a way to jump to the next subject and we never make it back around to whether or not my dreams are supported.
Earlier I asked him, “Babe, why don’t you ever make it to my shows? You said that you’ve got my back, but I never get a chance to look out and see you there.”
“You know I have stuff come up last minute, I tried, but did you know that we only have a couple of weeks to pack before we have to get down there and start the press promo?”
” I understand babe, but we can get to that, why is it that…..”
“Babe we don’t have that much time, that’s two homes to consolidate and aren’t we selling our places here?”
” I didn’t plan on selling my place, I still have family here and I wanted to have a safe haven when things got too heated when I come home to visit.”
“So wait, if you’re keeping you place here then why can’t I just move the stuff that I don’t want to take with me at your spot?”
“Because there’s not enough room and you can just as easily put your stuff in storage.”
“That’s what I’m talking about babe, why is it that you feel like what’s yours is yours, aren’t we supposed to be taking this thing to the next level?”
Success! Once again he has found a way out of answering what I asked and turned me into the one that’s wrong. I know what it is when he starts, but somehow I find myself getting sucked right back into it. It’s sad that I let him manipulate my emotions, but I hate being wrong. So he takes that one fact and drags out an argument. There has to be something beyond the fact that he’d rather not express his feelings, because I am finding it hard to believe that a simple discomfort int he subject matter is enough for him to engage in the blame game.
I’m not your average female, so I’m not going to root through his things. I know that he’s smart, and he’d expect me to do just that. I’ll be even more clever, I’ll just pay attention to every single detail. Men have a way of giving themselves up without even noticing. I’ll start with something simple like mentioning the people that I work with, to see his reaction and body language. He makes faces that correspond to his thoughts so this evening around dinner, when he’s not even thinking about this argument, I’ll just toss out some names and see what I get.
The frustrating part is that I feel like it shouldn’t have to be this way. I’d like to be able to ask him what he thinks and he return with a succinct answer and we continue with our day, painlessly, but I have this sense that something in him enjoys the drama. From what he tells me about his childhood, he’s acting just like his dad. The thing that makes no sense is how much he claims to dislike his father’s ways. Sometimes I wish that I had a mirror on hand when he gets into these moods and just hold it up in the middle of his rants about nothing so he could see what he’s become. But, I could imagine how that would make me feel in those times that I take on my mother’s personality so I choose not to.
He’s right about one thing, we don’t have much time, because we’ve got to find a way to get past this issue before the move, or else there’s no point in even beginning that chapter.
Private Thoughts in Public Forum 