Girl He Ain’t Slick (Letter 00002)

http://katiealley.blogspot.com/2010/11/cant-cook-wont-cook.html

Can I just say I’m enjoying this side of the blog! I’m glad to get an email from a fellow Gladiator as well. Strap in, I’d love to get some opinions from my readers on this one. Don’t forget you can comment anonymously as well:

The guy I am dating is very kind, considerate, and is just a good spirited person. You’re probably now asking well why are you writing to me? The reason is because he treats his mom, grandma, and daughter like queens,but me not so much. I mean he takes me out on dates, buys me nice things, and massages my feet. My issue comes in when he wants me to cook and wash his clothes. I feel I shouldn’t have to and I don’t. Those privileges are reserved for later on in the relationship in my opinion. He is always asking me to do those things, I tell him no and he is like if you were trying to be my woman you would do so. I’m sorry sir but your mama, grandma, and your hands are there to cook and play maid for you. I know how to throw down in the kitchen but why should I? I feel if he wants a June Cleaver he can go find her because my life and time is very important too. What is wrong with men who want to play house without rules? Why is it that men want their cake and to eat it too? In my Olivia Pope voice “Earn me”.

Sincerely,
“June Cleaver I am not”

Dear “June Cleaver I am not”,

First, I’m loving the Scandal reference, but before I go in about that episode in particular let’s break this down.

He treats all the women in his life that cater to him like queens. It sounds like you’ve found a man that’s placed some standards and conditions similar to how women establish those “Earn Me” ultimatums. By no means am I saying that you should play house with no rules, but consider this; If he was raised by the women in his life, he’s going to have a different perspective on relationships. I suggest you test the waters.

Laundry is a wifely privilege through and through because it takes a deep level of love to handle male dirty underwear, so not doing that before you’ve signed the contract may be a benefit to all parties involved.  However, see how much changes with a few home cooked meals. If you don’t see any return on your investment at least you never had your hand in dirty clothes water on his behalf.

As women we tend to maintain that the only one jumping through any hoops should be the male, but in the real world, especially this younger generation of men, there are many women that will do back flips just to say they have a man.

 (I’m going to assume you’re both young, just because that’s how it feels, but let me know if I’m wrong)

If he’s not worth some spaghetti and garlic bread, then maybe he’s not worth your time either. I’d love to know what he’s skipping out on that makes you feel like you’re not getting the “Queen” treatment. Feel free to respond anonymously on the site or email me back.

~M.E.

Amara’s World~6

So what are you supposed to do when your house of cards come crashing down? I’ve had shows this past week and even though Shon keeps promising that he’ll show up, he never does. Sometimes I wish that he’d be honest with me and let me know how he really feels about my career and my goals in general, but every time I bring the conversation up, he finds a way to jump to the next subject and we never make it back around to whether or not my dreams are supported.

Earlier I asked him, “Babe, why don’t you ever make it to my shows? You said that you’ve got my back, but I never get a chance to look out and see you there.”

“You know I have stuff come up last minute, I tried, but did you know that we only have a couple of weeks to pack before we have to get down there and start the press promo?”

” I understand babe, but we can get to that, why is it that…..”

“Babe we don’t have that much time, that’s two homes to consolidate and aren’t we selling our places here?”

” I didn’t plan on selling my place, I still have family here and I wanted to have a safe haven when things got too heated when I come home to visit.”

“So wait, if you’re keeping you place here then why can’t I just move the stuff that I don’t want to take with me at your spot?”

“Because there’s not enough room and you can just as easily put your stuff in storage.”

“That’s what I’m talking about babe, why is it that you feel like what’s yours is yours, aren’t we supposed to be taking this thing to the next level?”

Success! Once again he has found a way out of answering what I asked and turned me into the one that’s wrong. I know what it is when he starts, but somehow I find myself getting sucked right back into it. It’s sad that I let him manipulate my emotions, but I hate being wrong. So he takes that one fact and drags out an argument. There has to be something beyond the fact that he’d rather not express his feelings, because I am finding it hard to believe that a simple discomfort int he subject matter is enough for him to engage in the blame game.

I’m not your average female, so I’m not going to root through his things. I know that he’s smart, and he’d expect me to do just that. I’ll be even more clever, I’ll just pay attention to every single detail. Men have a way of giving themselves up without even noticing. I’ll start with something simple like mentioning the people that I work with, to see his reaction and body language. He makes faces that correspond to his thoughts so this evening around dinner, when he’s not even thinking about this argument, I’ll just toss out some names and see what I get.

The frustrating part is that I feel like it shouldn’t have to be this way. I’d like to be able to ask him what he thinks and he return with a succinct answer and we continue with our day, painlessly, but I have this sense that something in him enjoys the drama. From what he tells me about his childhood, he’s acting just like his dad. The thing that makes no sense is how much he claims to dislike his father’s ways. Sometimes I wish that I had a mirror on hand when he gets into these moods and just hold it up in the middle of his rants about nothing so he could see what he’s become. But, I could imagine how that would make me feel in those times that I take on my mother’s personality so I choose not to.

He’s right about one thing, we don’t have much time, because we’ve got to find a way to get past this issue before the move, or else there’s no point in even beginning that chapter.

What is smart dating?

Smart dating is when you have some form of a standard, not necessarily a list, but a system that I like to call MeetIt or BeatIt.

MeetIt- Whatever your standard of living is at the time, the person that you are courting should have at the very least, what you have. Make sense? Doesn’t sound like gold-digging does it? Because it’s not! It is knowing your worth. It is the #1 key to not ending up with someone living off of your accomplishments & taking you for granted, or even worse them getting the feeling that you owe them something. (moochers tend to get that act going & its a hard thing to shake if you don’t know how to fight.

BeatIT- This is the complex portion of the philosophy. Either your potential mate needs to exceed the current standard of living(BeatIt). Or he/she needs to kick rocks(BeatIt).

It’s all very simple. you know all of the other things, the personality traits that you enjoy and the things that you would like to have in common with the person. The sad thing is that people who make hobby or habit out of using people in order to get ahead are chameleons. They can fake everything except income, having their own place to stay and their own transportation for an extended period of time.

I usually don’t divulge that much game in one dose, but I held an extended conversation with a young lady that I didn’t know from Adam about a guy that was living off of her and wanted to fight her when she asked him to pay rent or leave. Many of you that know me don’t know that I have had an instance with a negro of the same caliber. He had it made up in his mind to absolutely destroy my life as I knew it. When I made my way out of that situation happy and healthy I made a promise to save as many people from that same situation as possible, or at least try to by showing them how to avoid it all together.

THE WAY OUT, WHEN IT SEEMS TOO LATE (LADIES)

When you’ve called over your male friends to scare him and the police get to know you by name. If you have not went completely nuts, I mean lost your mind like you need to be on medication.
NOW IS THE TIME. Start off with what I like to call QUIET CRAZY.
Start saying disturbing things about him, and how long it took the police last time and if anyone heard you all scream. Start scratching everywhere (on you). Laugh in your “sleep” and mumble “Die motherfucker” then wake up abruptly and boil some water. (JUST MAKE TEA!!!) But, pay attention to the look on his face, He is freaking out & thinking of a new place to stay!

When all else fails, wait until he goes somewhere and call someone to change the locks. Neatly place his stuff on the porch (cover it if it’s raining-Judge Judy is no joke), call all your friends over and have a party. This does 2 things, create witnesses and a ride out squad in case he acts a fool.
Most importantly, live your life knowing what its worth. Treat yourself like how you want your mate to treat you, like a queen.

Be Safe Out There!